Thursday, May 16, 2013

Cannibalistic Caterpillar Crisis- and possibly the apocolypse...

Why I knew yesterday would not go well:

1.  The mysterious lack of traffic.
Should be a good thing, I know- but I rely on regular patterns to keep my sense of sanity. I have an hour and ten minute commute to work- it's my zen time mind you- but I keep track of my progress by my location on the road when the news comes on, whether or not I've passed the Truck stop before the birthdays, and when the red brake lights of stop and go traffic begin.  Generally, I get to swing right off the interstate just before I get caught in all that foolishness.  But Wednesdays- EVERY Wednesday- this stuff starts before my lovely exit.  Apparently, there is a huge bunch of people who only work on Wednesdays.  I'd really like to know what that job is, but anyway...  Yesterday- there was no one.  And I mean, like, NOBODY.  Even the red brake lights that usually start after my exit weren't there.  I began to wonder if perhaps I had missed the rapture...

2.  The traffic light before I get off the parkway did not turn green when it was supposed to.  It completely skipped my lane twice- which meant I sat there for ten minutes.  The gym teacher was in front of me.  I knew that if it skipped us a third time, that he'd make a left against the red, and then everyone behind me would expect me to do it and be honking and YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- I hate lefts.  But then it turned green after I was properly sweaty above my left eyebrow and had sticky inside elbows. I HATE lefts.

3.  And then there was a train!!!!!!!!  Late LAte LATTTTTE to work!

4.  The Pepsi AND Coke were sold out in the lounge.  Obviously the only conclusion was that I had been LEFT BEHIND.  Where was Kirk?

Disclaimer:  I was however blessed to NOT be the teacher that a student began to discuss the merits of breastfeeding with and whether or not she should be breastfeeding her baby- whilst having her knockers stared at.  Ha! Small miracles...

Ok, so these dang caterpillars.  We were down to five.  One had started to make a chrysalis, but then disappeared.  MYSTERY!  Could not find the bugger anywhere.  Then three climbed up to the top and got in the J-formation, chrysalises here we come!

And then... casually walking over to check on them...

 I discovered this EVIL, REALLY BAD WORD CATERPILLAR eating one of the hanging caterpillars.  In fact, he'd already killed off the other two, and they'd dropped to the bottom.  I pulled him off in an attempt to save the last one, but no good.  Doornail DEAD.

What the hey?!  Stupid Hanibal Lecter of the painted lady butterflies...

my thoughts within moments of the killing:
1) gross
2) damn creepy
3) freaking fifteen dollars, that bug better make an effin chrysalis
4) do I even want to release a killer butterfly into the wild?
5) is this like Jack the Ripper of butterflies?
6) this is all my fault isn't it?
7) it was the radiation from the computers that turned him bad
8) I fed him hallucinogenic thistle and turned him homicidal
9) I'm really projecting my ex-boyfriend issues onto this caterpillar
10) I need to stop doing that, I don't have time for therapy right now
11) I should just stick to killing plants
12) I need a Pepsi.  Or a box of wine...

I even channeled my anger into a sensory poem with the kids:

The Cannibalistic Caterpillar is Disgusting
It looks like murder!
It smells like foul play!
It tastes like bitter disappointment!
It sounds like a silent killer!
It feels like fifteen wasted bucks!
Disgusting  IS the Cannibalistic Caterpillar

I put it on a poster and hung it above his cage.  Not that it shamed him at all.  He sits there, fat, controlling, tapping his little evil thousand fuzzy legs together...BAH!

Ok, so then a kiddo goes out onto the playground and finds me this hairy gorilla:

The kids are all YAY!  We'll still get a butterfly!  And I find another butterfly house, since I'm not risking another murder.  Although this guy is a lot bigger than Hanibal.  But STILL.  And do you know what this cherub ends up being????

It's an ecosystem devastating Eastern Tent Moth!  The thing is a TREE EATER.  Shhhhhhhhhhhheesh.  But I'm thinking the other word okay? 

One more year.  I will try this one more year but if this happens again I am done.  I'll take up snake handling instead.  Lord, help me.

1 comment:

  1. I am absolutely laughing out loud at this point and my kids are looking at me like I started drinking my mommy juice a little early tonight!
    Thanks tons for the laugh although I am sorry about your creepy caterpillar issues:)
    Interestingly enough, we had a killer glow fish this year. He now lives alone and is darn lucky he didn't get flushed after eating two other $8 glowfish!